‫‫‫‫So, uh, what are we doing? ‫‫‫‫Are we just jumping right into this, or--
‫‫‫‫How are you assholes even here?
‫‫‫‫[sighs] We followed you.
‫‫‫‫-Duh. ‫‫‫‫-Duh.
‫‫‫‫Hmm! Looks like she's having ‫‫‫‫a rough night.
‫‫‫‫Her? What about me?
‫‫‫‫-Will you shut up? ‫‫‫‫-Will you stop illustrating my point?
‫‫‫‫So, is this the part where you tell me ‫‫‫‫it's not what it looks like?
‫‫‫‫-I don't know. What does it look like? ‫‫‫‫-You tell me.
‫‫‫‫-It's... not what it looks like? ‫‫‫‫-Which is...
‫‫‫‫Murder, Figgis,
‫‫‫‫you insufferable little prick!
‫‫‫‫It looks like murder!
‫‫‫‫Yeah, I guess it does, kind of.
‫‫‫‫But it shows what you know, because ‫‫‫‫it's only accessory after the fact.
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] We were merely using ‫‫‫‫this poor pre-deceased young woman
‫‫‫‫to fake my death.
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-Why?
‫‫‫‫She's trying to get out ‫‫‫‫of a quasi-incestuous home-life situation.
‫‫‫‫How quasi?
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Like, a four?
‫‫‫‫-Eh. ‫‫‫‫-Put a ham in it, Poovey.
‫‫‫‫What's your story, lady? Who are you?
‫‫‫‫Charlotte Vandertunt?
‫‫‫‫Heiress to the vast ‫‫‫‫Vandertunt publishing fortune?
‫‫‫‫-Really? ‫‫‫‫-Schmancy.
‫‫‫‫Well, then, seeing as how that's the case, ‫‫‫‫are the keys in the Rolls?
‫‫‫‫Yeah. They're-- Wait. Why?
‫‫‫‫Because I'm going to drive it,
‫‫‫‫and Sergeant Poovey ‫‫‫‫is going to drive you in my car.
‫‫‫‫To jail. Because you're both ‫‫‫‫under arrest for murder.
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-Goddamn it.
‫‫‫‫-Poovey? ‫‫‫‫-Huh? Oh.
‫‫‫‫Now we'll see how you like getting ‫‫‫‫your tits screwed off for a change.
‫‫‫‫[snickering] What?
‫‫‫‫Remember? 'Cause you screwed ‫‫‫‫his wife's tits off.
‫‫‫‫-Damn it, Poovey! ‫‫‫‫-What? Figuratively!
‫‫‫‫Well, either way, ‫‫‫‫I can tell you right now I--
‫‫‫‫Wait. Did you say "a change" or just ‫‫‫‫"change," as in spare change?
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] What change? They'll be passing ‫‫‫‫you around for half a pack of smokes.
‫‫‫‫Pff. I'm worth at least two packs.
‫‫‫‫-Pff. ‫‫‫‫-You know.
‫‫‫‫And, Poovey, book her as a Jane Doe.
‫‫‫‫[Archer gasps]
‫‫‫‫A what?
‫‫‫‫Oh, shit.
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]
‫‫‫‫[Archer] ‫‫Well, at least let me talk to her.
‫‫‫‫[Poovey] ‫‫No. I told you, you can't.
‫‫‫‫Little Miss Vanderpanties is in solitary, ‫‫‫‫down in the sub-basement.
‫‫‫‫-Yeah. And why do you think that is? ‫‫‫‫-How the hell should I know?
‫‫‫‫-Wh-- Because you do! ‫‫‫‫-No, I don't.
‫‫‫‫Are you-- Booking Charlotte as a Jane Doe?
‫‫‫‫He's gonna keep her locked up here,
‫‫‫‫call her parents posing as a kidnapper,
‫‫‫‫and use the ransom money ‫‫‫‫to square things with Len Trexler
‫‫‫‫for losing his Chinese sex slaves!
‫‫‫‫Oh, thought you meant besides that.
‫‫‫‫The Chinese sex slaves, ‫‫‫‫by the way, that you let go! [groans]
‫‫‫‫Keep your frickin' voice down.
‫‫‫‫[groaning]
‫‫‫‫And speaking of which, ‫‫‫‫where the hell are they?
‫‫‫‫-[gong bangs] ‫‫‫‫-[chattering in Chinese, indistinct]
‫‫‫‫Your house? Are you shitting me?
‫‫‫‫Aw, I wouldn't shit you. ‫‫‫‫You're my favorite turd.
‫‫‫‫But what are you gonna do ‫‫‫‫with them, Poovey?
‫‫‫‫What's your long-term plan?
‫‫‫‫-[gong bangs] ‫‫‫‫-[chatter continues]
‫‫‫‫[Poovey yelling in Chinese]
‫‫‫‫[groans] ‫‫‫‫Like living with a bunch of roosters.
‫‫‫‫-That's your plan? ‫‫‫‫-Well, it's a plan.
‫‫‫‫I mean, obviously, ‫‫‫‫we'll put it to a vote, but--
‫‫‫‫Not after I tell Figgis-- ‫‫‫‫[grunts] Ow!
‫‫‫‫Don't be stupid. If you want me ‫‫‫‫to talk him out of this murder rap,
‫‫‫‫you'll keep your damn piehole shut!
‫‫‫‫Poovey. Poovey!
‫‫‫‫[snickers] ‫‫‫‫I could actually go for some pie.
‫‫‫‫-[guard] Come on! Move your asses! ‫‫‫‫-[men chattering]
‫‫‫‫Yeah, keep bitching, if ya want me ‫‫‫‫to bust your heads open for ya.
‫‫‫‫Hey, uh, could I order some pie?
‫‫‫‫Or have you singlehandedly depleted ‫‫‫‫the global strategic pie reserves?
‫‫‫‫-Whoo! Are you crazy? ‫‫‫‫-You wanna get yourself killed?
‫‫‫‫Oh, my God! Is diabetes contagious?
‫‫‫‫Hang on. Tsk. I know you from Dreamland.
‫‫‫‫Dreamland? Do you know Lana Kane?
‫‫‫‫We're her band, man. I'm Floyd.
‫‫‫‫This is Verl. That's Cliff, and that's--
‫‫‫‫Ray Gillette. I'm kind of the bandleader.
‫‫‫‫-We didn't vote on that. ‫‫‫‫-No, you're not.
‫‫‫‫I'm Archer. I'm a private eye, ‫‫‫‫doing a little work for your boss, Mother.
‫‫‫‫So what are you in here for?
‫‫‫‫Well, murder, but technically, ‫‫‫‫it was just gross abuse of a corpse.
‫‫‫‫How about you guys? What are you in for?
‫‫‫‫Yeah, Ray. What are we in here for?
‫‫‫‫-[inhaling sharply] ‫‫‫‫-[Ray] Okay. My turn.
‫‫‫‫-Okay. Hey, come on. Let me-- ‫‫‫‫-Hey, relax.
‫‫‫‫-Hold on. You're gonna get yours. ‫‫‫‫-You'll get a turn, man.
‫‫‫‫-Can I please-- ‫‫‫‫-Ray, take it easy, man.
‫‫‫‫[loudly] Goddamn it!
‫‫‫‫I insist you let me share ‫‫‫‫your marijuana cigarette!
‫‫‫‫[muffled grunt, snort]
‫‫‫‫Well, serves y'all right ‫‫‫‫for being so damn stingy.
‫‫‫‫-Serves who right? ‫‫‫‫-"Whom."
‫‫‫‫How is six years in jail right?
‫‫‫‫Six years? For one lousy goof-butt?
‫‫‫‫[sighs] It's our second offense.
‫‫‫‫[loudly] ‫‫‫‫I am lovin' this marijuana cigarette!
‫‫‫‫[muffled grunt, snort]
‫‫‫‫Or it will be, once they run our prints ‫‫‫‫and figure out we gave 'em fake names.
‫‫‫‫[laughs] ‫‫‫‫Oh, man, was my fake name not the best?
‫‫‫‫I swear, I am such a pistol.
‫‫‫‫You're lucky I don't have a pistol.
‫‫‫‫-Or even a belt. ‫‫‫‫-Or even shoelaces.
‫‫‫‫What if I told you I could get you guys ‫‫‫‫outta here, no charges filed?
‫‫‫‫-I need your help to do it, though. ‫‫‫‫-To do what, exactly?
‫‫‫‫Escape, obviously.
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-What do we have to do?
‫‫‫‫Well, for starters, ‫‫‫‫I'm gonna need you to forgive me.
‫‫‫‫Forgive you? For wh-- ‫‫‫‫[vomiting]
‫‫‫‫-Damn, Ray! ‫‫‫‫-My shoes.
‫‫‫‫-Man. ‫‫‫‫-Really?
‫‫‫‫-Damn, man! Why the hell'd you do that? ‫‫‫‫-[vomiting continues]
‫‫‫‫Hey, guard, we got a sick man in here!
‫‫‫‫-Ohh. ‫‫‫‫-Aw, man, I'm gonna be sick too.
‫‫‫‫-No, you are not. ‫‫‫‫-Well, I am.
‫‫‫‫-Guard! ‫‫‫‫-You assholes!
‫‫‫‫Whoever puked in my cell,
‫‫‫‫I'm gonna make ya mop it up ‫‫‫‫and suck on the mop!
‫‫‫‫-[vomiting] ‫‫‫‫-[groans]
‫‫‫‫Oh, man! [vomiting]
‫‫‫‫Goddamn it!
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] ‫‫‫‫Seriously.
‫‫‫‫Oh, you think that's funny, ‫‫‫‫you shit-heel?
‫‫‫‫Oh, sorry. I'm just a sucker ‫‫‫‫for physical comedy. Case in point...
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫[chokes]
‫‫‫‫Damn!
‫‫‫‫Remind me never to rent you a mule.
‫‫‫‫Why would I want to rent a mule?
‫‫‫‫Maybe you're afraid of commitment.
‫‫‫‫So, listen. What do you think about ‫‫‫‫our chances of getting out of here?
‫‫‫‫Mmm. I don't know. Four?
‫‫‫‫Out of... five?
‫‫‫‫[swallows] Why not?
‫‫‫‫[Mother] ‫‫‫‫I'm sorry. I must have misheard you.
‫‫‫‫Because it sounded like you said ‫‫‫‫you're not doing your second set.
‫‫‫‫I don't have a band. They never came back ‫‫‫‫from their smoke break.
‫‫‫‫Bet they got arrested again.
‫‫‫‫Idiots.
‫‫‫‫What is it with you people and reefer?
‫‫‫‫Do you mean musicians or Negroes?
‫‫‫‫Pick one.
‫‫‫‫No, because I'm going home now, so--
‫‫‫‫You most certainly are not. ‫‫‫‫Get up there and entertain those people.
‫‫‫‫[Lana] ‫‫‫‫How? Do you want me to do a striptease?
‫‫‫‫Hmm.
‫‫‫‫That was a joke.
‫‫‫‫-Well, clearly. ‫‫‫‫-Wh--
‫‫‫‫But I wonder. ‫‫‫‫What if we had a comedy night?
‫‫‫‫Comedians, little routines...
‫‫‫‫And where the hell is the bartender?
‫‫‫‫[woman] ‫‫Excuse me.
‫‫‫‫Excuse me.
‫‫‫‫Excuse me! Doctor, ‫‫‫‫where are you taking this patient?
‫‫‫‫Yeah, what do we got going on here?
‫‫‫‫Tests! Just some routine tests.
‫‫‫‫Okay, let's get you dancin', handsome.
‫‫‫‫I am handsome.
‫‫‫‫Maybe I could do a comedy routine.
‫‫‫‫I mean, how hard could that be?
‫‫‫‫-[Cliff] Seriously? ‫‫‫‫-[Archer] What?
‫‫‫‫You look like a rodeo clown.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] ‫‫‫‫You've clearly never been to a rodeo.
‫‫‫‫Aw, brother, I have.
‫‫‫‫That was the circus.
‫‫‫‫No. There were lions.
‫‫‫‫Look, man, Verl's got to be the cop.
‫‫‫‫I mean, you know, no offense, but--
‫‫‫‫The fact that you feel like ‫‫‫‫you have to say "no offense"--
‫‫‫‫Moot!
‫‫‫‫-Wait. What? ‫‫‫‫-"Moot"?
‫‫‫‫Moot. It's my plan. I'm the cop.
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] Come on.
‫‫‫‫You look like you should ‫‫‫‫be policing a cornfield.
‫‫‫‫Arresting crows and shit.
‫‫‫‫-Caw! Caw! ‫‫‫‫-Seriously.
‫‫‫‫No. I'm the cop.
‫‫‫‫For one thing, ‫‫‫‫I have military experience, so--
‫‫‫‫-Me and Verl were in the army. ‫‫‫‫-And I was in the navy.
‫‫‫‫Well, but, you know, ‫‫‫‫I didn't segregate the service.
‫‫‫‫-And no offense, but-- ‫‫‫‫-But here it comes.
‫‫‫‫Well, but what did you do, exactly?
‫‫‫‫-I was in the Transport Corps. ‫‫‫‫-I was a steward.
‫‫‫‫Exactly. So, you know--
‫‫‫‫Oh, I get it.
‫‫‫‫So, no matter how eager Negroes were ‫‫‫‫to prove ourselves in combat,
‫‫‫‫thanks to segregation, ‫‫‫‫most of us had to serve in support units.
‫‫‫‫And driving trucks and serving coffee ‫‫‫‫don't exactly make us war heroes.
‫‫‫‫No. Come on. Look, I realize ‫‫‫‫that a segregated service is just crazy.
‫‫‫‫Especially when you think about what ‫‫‫‫we were fighting for over there, but--
‫‫‫‫-Oh, so now you got a "but." ‫‫‫‫-But if you think about it,
‫‫‫‫the most racist thing would be ‫‫‫‫if whenever there was a war,
‫‫‫‫we only sent Negroes.
‫‫‫‫-Wow! ‫‫‫‫-Words fail me.
‫‫‫‫-I failed my induction screening. ‫‫‫‫-Well, obviously.
‫‫‫‫-You put the "F" in "4-F." ‫‫‫‫-You know--
‫‫‫‫Okay, Verl can be the cop. ‫‫‫‫But I'm still squad leader.
‫‫‫‫And I need you guys to respect that.
‫‫‫‫Come on. Come on. Move your lazy asses.
‫‫‫‫-Oh, that's good. ‫‫‫‫-That's good, Verl.
‫‫‫‫Very believable.
‫‫‫‫Will you quit jamming my ass ‫‫‫‫with that thing?
‫‫‫‫-He said, coyly. ‫‫‫‫-Silence, prisoner.
‫‫‫‫-[men chuckling] ‫‫‫‫-Yeah. Shut up.
‫‫‫‫And the next cop we see, ‫‫‫‫I'm getting his uniform, so...
‫‫‫‫[door opens]
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Damn it.
‫‫‫‫Complete and total bullshit.
‫‫‫‫-Dress that line, boy! ‫‫‫‫-[men chuckling]
‫‫‫‫Talk about looking like a scarecrow.
‫‫‫‫Caw! Caw!
‫‫‫‫Doesn't even work there, so...
‫‫‫‫So, hey, I'm not an architect, ‫‫‫‫but I'm pretty sure
‫‫‫‫you can't leave a building ‫‫‫‫through the sub-basement.
‫‫‫‫So, unless they keep ‫‫‫‫all the fingerprint cards down here--
‫‫‫‫In the dampest part of the building--
‫‫‫‫What the hell are we doing down here?
‫‫‫‫Well, um, it's a surprise.
‫‫‫‫[man] Oh, goody!
‫‫‫‫Let me guess.
‫‫‫‫Is it, uh, a truck full ‫‫‫‫of my Chinese whores?
‫‫‫‫Uh, better.
‫‫‫‫Oh, a slightly larger truck ‫‫‫‫full of my Chinese whores?
‫‫‫‫Even better.
‫‫‫‫I feel like we're gonna run out of things ‫‫‫‫to fill with Chinese whores.
‫‫‫‫No. You'll forget all about them ‫‫‫‫when you hear what I've got for you.
‫‫‫‫Intriguing. [chuckles]
‫‫‫‫All right. Give me a hint.
‫‫‫‫Two words: Charlotte Vandertunt.
‫‫‫‫[gasps] The heiress to the vast ‫‫‫‫Vandertunt publishing fortune?
‫‫‫‫And, by inference, ‫‫‫‫an ideal target for kidnapping.
‫‫‫‫I'm not kidnapping a Vandertunt.
‫‫‫‫You don't have to. I already did.
‫‫‫‫Are you serious? ‫‫‫‫Oh, Figgis, that is some good work.
‫‫‫‫-Where is she? ‫‫‫‫-Downtown, booked in as a Jane Doe.
‫‫‫‫You got her in that shitty jail?
‫‫‫‫No! You go get her, ‫‫‫‫and you bring her here.
‫‫‫‫-But-- ‫‫‫‫-"But" nothing, ya little weasel.
‫‫‫‫Bring her to me. I want to meet her.
‫‫‫‫Oh, I bet she's charming.
‫‫‫‫[screaming]
‫‫‫‫What-- What is happening right now?
‫‫‫‫That's what I'm trying to-- ‫‫‫‫What the hell is wrong with you?
‫‫‫‫Everything!
‫‫‫‫I spent my life in jail, ‫‫‫‫and now I'm a disgusting old woman!
‫‫‫‫-Wait. What? ‫‫‫‫-What is she talking about?
‫‫‫‫My God, the future is terrifying!
‫‫‫‫How many years have I been in here?
‫‫‫‫Wha-- [chuckles] ‫‫‫‫It's been, like, a half an hour.
‫‫‫‫What? No, but... [breathing heavily]
‫‫‫‫But then-- How--
‫‫‫‫[whispering] ‫‫‫‫How are there Negro policemen?
‫‫‫‫-Uh, definitely Negro policemen. ‫‫‫‫-[overlapping chatter]
‫‫‫‫I-- But-- I mean, since when?
‫‫‫‫In L.A.? I wanna say... Was it 1886?
‫‫‫‫Yep. Patrolman Robert W. Stewart.
‫‫‫‫Big Beat-Walkin' Bob.
‫‫‫‫-They called him that? ‫‫‫‫-How should I know?
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Uh...
‫‫‫‫Well, then, I don't know what to say.
‫‫‫‫I am simply mortified.
‫‫‫‫Please accept my apology. I... [chuckles]
‫‫‫‫You're my first Negroes.
‫‫‫‫So, was this the surprise?
‫‫‫‫-Because I already know a crazy lady. ‫‫‫‫-His Aunt Marva.
‫‫‫‫Eats paper. By the pound.
‫‫‫‫Mm-hmm. God bless that mess.
‫‫‫‫So, no. The surprise is, ‫‫‫‫we're gonna seriously jeopardize
‫‫‫‫our own chance of escaping ‫‫‫‫by taking her with us.
‫‫‫‫[discontented overlapping chatter]
‫‫‫‫-[Poovey] I say we put it to a vote. ‫‫‫‫-[groans]
‫‫‫‫I vote no.
‫‫‫‫Poovey, come on. Don't do this.
‫‫‫‫Make me. I mean, don't make me.
‫‫‫‫Look, I know you cops have to ‫‫‫‫check your weapons up front,
‫‫‫‫and there's five of us ‫‫‫‫and only one of you, so--
‫‫‫‫So who wants their ass beat first? ‫‫‫‫[bones crack]
‫‫‫‫And before you decide, keep in mind ‫‫‫‫I'm gradually gonna get more tired,
‫‫‫‫but also gradually more berserker.
‫‫‫‫[shrieks in delight]
‫‫‫‫This is the best... day... ever!
‫‫‫‫[shrieks]
‫‫‫‫Being a Negro must be so exciting.
‫‫‫‫-[audience applauding] ‫‫‫‫-[Lana] Thank you.
‫‫Oh, thank you. Oh, you're too kind.
‫‫How's everybody doing tonight?
‫‫Doing good? Having a swell time?
‫‫Yeah? Everybody having fun?
‫‫Painting the town red? Wonderful!
‫‫Terrific.
‫‫‫‫So, I'm gonna want a rematch.
‫‫‫‫[breathily] ‫‫‫‫Me too.
‫‫‫‫What in the hell is she doing?
‫‫‫‫I'll tell you who's not having fun.
‫‫‫‫Al Capone. He just died. ‫‫‫‫You hear about this?
‫‫‫‫Yep. He died of syphilis.
‫‫‫‫Wouldn't wanna be that broad, ‫‫‫‫would ya? [laughs]
‫‫‫‫[in ditzy voice, Brooklyn accent] ‫‫‫‫Hi, Alphonse?
‫‫‫‫Yeah, it's me, Trixie.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, so, I was just callin'
‫‫‫‫to say thanks for a such a lovely evenin'.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, me too.
‫‫‫‫Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, so listen, um...
‫‫‫‫Tsk. [sighs]
‫‫‫‫[audience member coughs]
‫‫‫‫You know, like she's calling ‫‫‫‫notorious criminal Al Capone
‫‫‫‫to tell him she gave him syphilis.
‫‫‫‫That's-- That's pretty awkward, right?
‫‫‫‫Although she was probably a prostitute.
‫‫‫‫And why you'd give ‫‫‫‫your phone number to a prostitute...
‫‫‫‫[chuckling awkwardly] ‫‫‫‫So-- So what else?
‫‫‫‫[Poovey coughing]
‫‫‫‫You know how pissed off Figgis is gonna be
‫‫‫‫when he finds out you walked off ‫‫‫‫with his million-dollar payday?
‫‫‫‫Roughly the same as if he finds out ‫‫‫‫about your new Chinese sister-wives?
‫‫‫‫-[gong bangs] ‫‫‫‫-[women exclaiming]
‫‫‫‫Oh, goody.
‫‫‫‫-[exclaiming continues] ‫‫‫‫-Another sweater.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] All right, Archer. ‫‫‫‫You win this round.
‫‫‫‫Yeah. I mean, you're handcuffed ‫‫‫‫to a pipe, so obviously.
‫‫‫‫Hey, let's go.
‫‫‫‫We'll go when your squad leader ‫‫‫‫says we'll go.
‫‫‫‫Which is now. Let's go.
‫‫‫‫Hang on. We still gotta get ‫‫‫‫our fingerprint cards.
‫‫‫‫Oh, right. Where do they keep them?
‫‫‫‫Second floor, Room 202.
‫‫‫‫But good luck getting in there without a--
‫‫‫‫[alarm ringing]
‫‫‫‫[braying laughter]
‫‫‫‫A distraction. Nice!
‫‫‫‫-[Poovey] I was gonna say-- ‫‫‫‫-Ooh! Sprinklers! Nice!
‫‫‫‫The key, you dickheads!
‫‫‫‫Oh, right. Duh.
‫‫‫‫Whew! What else?
‫‫‫‫Uh... Oh! Prostitutes and, uh, syphilis.
‫‫‫‫Okay, so, I heard about a male prostitute ‫‫‫‫who got syphilis.
‫‫‫‫Yeah. Apparently, he was fine for a while,
‫‫‫‫but then business kind of dropped off.
‫‫‫‫Reminds me-- ‫‫‫‫Uh, reminds me of my cousin Eddie.
‫‫‫‫Uh, he goes to see the family doctor. ‫‫‫‫Doctor says,
‫‫‫‫[in masculine voice] "Well, I've got ‫‫‫‫some good news and bad news.
‫‫‫‫The bad news is, your wife has syphilis."
‫‫‫‫"My God," Eddie says, ‫‫‫‫"what's the good news?"
‫‫‫‫Doctor says...
‫‫‫‫[in masculine voice] "Good news is, ‫‫‫‫she didn't get it from you...
‫‫‫‫[laughs]
‫‫‫‫...based on this medical examination."
‫‫‫‫[faint coughing]
‫‫‫‫All right. Let's see what else I got here.
‫‫‫‫Uh, syphilis, syphilis,
‫‫‫‫syphilis, syphilis, syphilis, ‫‫‫‫syphilis, syphilis...
‫‫‫‫Oh, hey! How 'bout that Taft-Hartley Act?
‫‫‫‫[man] Show us your tits!
‫‫‫‫I mean...
‫‫‫‫-Oh, jeez, I'm getting wet! ‫‫‫‫-[all clamoring]
‫‫‫‫[Archer] ‫‫‫‫Will you hurry up?
‫‫‫‫[Ray] Hang on. ‫‫‫‫I got everybody's but mine. Uh...
‫‫‫‫[cackling]
‫‫‫‫Here it is! Oh, my God.
‫‫‫‫Oh, it's hilari--
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫"Phil McCracken."
‫‫‫‫[continues laughing]
‫‫‫‫Right?
‫‫‫‫[siren wailing]
‫‫‫‫What the hell is going on here?
‫‫‫‫-Uh, do what now? ‫‫‫‫-I said, what the hell's going on here?
‫‫‫‫[clears throat] ‫‫‫‫It's a-- a prisoner-- prisoner transport.
‫‫‫‫Uh, taking these reefer addicts ‫‫‫‫over to Newton Street--
‫‫‫‫-Oh, well-- ‫‫‫‫-...for treatment and counseling.
‫‫‫‫-Nope. ‫‫‫‫-For what?
‫‫‫‫Damn it, Floyd.
‫‫‫‫Floyd? Why did he-- Wait a minute.
‫‫‫‫What's your badge and unit number?
‫‫‫‫F-- Four.
‫‫‫‫What? [grunts]
‫‫‫‫[goofy laughter]
‫‫‫‫-Okay, you are just terrifying. ‫‫‫‫-[Charlotte continues squealing]
‫‫‫‫Shut it, McCracken. ‫‫‫‫And "treatment and counseling"?
‫‫‫‫-Seriously? ‫‫‫‫-[Floyd] What?
‫‫‫‫I bet in the long run ‫‫‫‫it's more economical.
‫‫‫‫-Just get in the truck. ‫‫‫‫-[engine starts]
‫‫‫‫Yeah, I'm getting in the truck ‫‫‫‫because I choose to get into the truck.
‫‫‫‫-I-- ‫‫‫‫-Wait! Take me with you.
‫‫‫‫We are.
‫‫‫‫Oh. Well, then, ‫‫‫‫I shall thank you to mind your tone.
‫‫‫‫-[alarm blaring] ‫‫‫‫-[shouting] What?
‫‫‫‫-I said-- ‫‫‫‫-[alarm stops]
‫‫‫‫Oh.
‫‫‫‫-I said, "Archer got away." ‫‫‫‫-That son of a--
‫‫‫‫As did the Vandertunt broad.
‫‫‫‫What? How could you let that happen?
‫‫‫‫There were five of 'em!
‫‫‫‫And I had to check my gun, ‫‫‫‫obviously, so I--
‫‫‫‫See you didn't check yours.
‫‫‫‫No. No, there was so much confusion.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, right?
‫‫‫‫Right? For instance, ‫‫‫‫I'm confused about why
‫‫‫‫I don't just go ahead ‫‫‫‫and shoot you in your stupid fat face.
‫‫‫‫Well, for one thing-- [gasps]
‫‫‫‫[Poovey screaming] ‫‫‫‫No!
‫‫‫‫-[gunshot] ‫‫‫‫-[ringing sound]
‫‫‫‫[Figgis, muted] Okay, you dummy. ‫‫‫‫So tonight, right now,
‫‫‫‫you're gonna find the Vandertunt broad, ‫‫‫‫and you're gonna find Archer.
‫‫‫‫You're gonna bring her to Trexler's,
‫‫‫‫and you're gonna leave him in some alley
‫‫‫‫-with a case of lead poisoning... ‫‫‫‫-Mawp.
‫‫‫‫-...just like his partner. You got it? ‫‫‫‫-Mawp, mawp.
‫‫‫‫[ringing ends]
‫‫‫‫That better have been a long-ass apology.
‫‫‫‫[Mother] ‫‫‫‫I'm sorry, what was that?
‫‫‫‫No, just, if I had more time, ‫‫‫‫I-- I could really tighten up my set.
‫‫‫‫Oh, I don't know how you'd improve on ‫‫‫‫a solid half-hour about syphilis.
‫‫‫‫-Wait. What? ‫‫‫‫-Ew.
‫‫‫‫What I do know is all the refunds I gave ‫‫‫‫are coming out of your paycheck.
‫‫‫‫-But-- ‫‫‫‫-You've got a "but"?
‫‫‫‫-I'll say. ‫‫‫‫-Zip it, missy.
‫‫‫‫And, come to think of it, the refunds ‫‫‫‫will come out of all your paychecks!
‫‫‫‫-Damn it, Ray! ‫‫‫‫-That's some bullshit.
‫‫‫‫And I swear to God, if you people ‫‫‫‫get caught smoking reefers again--
‫‫‫‫I'm sorry. By "you people," do you mean--
‫‫‫‫Out! All of you, out!
‫‫‫‫Not so fast, shamus.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Damn it.
‫‫‫‫Hey, not that it should matter, ‫‫‫‫but I was a tanker.
‫‫‫‫761st Tank Battalion.
‫‫‫‫Wait. Patton's Panthers?
‫‫‫‫You guys saved our asses at the Bulge.
‫‫‫‫Mm-hmm.
‫‫‫‫Well, now I feel like an asshole.
‫‫‫‫Well, can't help you with that.
‫‫‫‫[Mother] ‫‫‫‫Archer! And that little chippy of yours.
‫‫‫‫[laughs] ‫‫‫‫I beg your pardon?
‫‫‫‫-Keep it up, and you will. ‫‫‫‫-Wait. What?
‫‫‫‫I'm not accustomed to being stood up, ‫‫‫‫Mr. Archer, and yet once again--
‫‫‫‫I know, and I'm sorry. It's just--
‫‫‫‫Well, she isn't just some chippy.
‫‫‫‫She's actually Charlotte Vandertunt.
‫‫‫‫I-- You mean, the heiress to the vast ‫‫‫‫Vandertunt publishing fortune?
‫‫‫‫-Uh, duh. ‫‫‫‫-Zerp.
‫‫‫‫Then do tell.
‫‫‫‫What's a nice heiress like you ‫‫‫‫doing in a joint like this?
‫‫‫‫I rescued her.
‫‫‫‫Len Trexler and that cop Figgis ‫‫‫‫were gonna kidnap her, so--
‫‫‫‫How were they going to do that?
‫‫‫‫Well, nobody knows where she is, so--
‫‫‫‫I'm trying to escape ‫‫‫‫a quasi-incestuous family situation.
‫‫‫‫-How-- ‫‫‫‫-A four.
‫‫‫‫-Eh. ‫‫‫‫-Yeah, so--
‫‫‫‫So, presumably, the Vandertunt family ‫‫‫‫still doesn't know where she is?
‫‫‫‫I mean, don't know how they would.
‫‫‫‫Excellent.
‫‫‫‫-[gasps] Oh, shit. ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫[Mother] ‫‫‫‫Well, then, I suggest you wake him.
‫‫‫‫Unless you think Mr. Vandertunt ‫‫‫‫would rather see his daughter gradually...
‫‫‫‫via the mail.
‫‫‫‫[squealing excitedly]
‫‫‫‫[tapping floor]
‫‫‫‫[laughs excitedly] ‫‫‫‫Best... day... ever!
‫‫‫‫[growls]
‫‫‫‫Right?
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]